I live in a Pigs

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No, the title is not a mistake.  I could have said that I live in Pigs but I don’t live in all four of them but only one of them.  Apparently, I live in the ‘I’ of the Pigs.

The ‘I’ of Pigs is, of course, Italy, with an economy so bad that it, together with Portugal, Greece and Spain, are collectively bringing down the Euro.  Of course, Buzz Lightyear (my nickname for Berlusconi) is still saying ‘to infinity and beyond……’, convincing the Italians that they have a strong economy.  The really strange thing, for me, is that they must believe him otherwise they wouldn’t keep bringing him back and, yet, they know that the situation is bad.

Anyway, the Guardian take on it is here.

Snowing in the garden

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We are lying in bed.  I turn my head and look out through the open door of the bedroom, through the hall to where the dim daylight – it is dawn – shows through the window that looks out on to the garden and lets me see that it is snowing.  I see the snow falling and the trees covered in snow.  I turn and tell F, who is just awake, that it is snowing.

Except, of course, that didn’t happen.  Yesterday, my colleagues wanted me to look up the weather on a website that I use and I found that within three hours, it had changed and forecast snow for today.

And this thing that happened, happened in a dream last night.

He doesn’t have a hallway through which I can see a window.  His flat is on the third floor and, like most houses in Milan, he has no garden in which there are snow-laden trees.  And I didn’t wake up to know that it was snowing.

However, as I stepped out of the door of the block of flats, it was, indeed, snowing.  Not as heavily as in my dream and not covering anything but, still………

Not really so strange but, for a moment, it made the dream seem all the more real.

The Lamb and the Penguin

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They sit there, the penguin in front of the lamb staring straight ahead.

As you may remember, Christmas was a difficult time this year.  Not difficult being with F, which was wonderful, nor was it difficult doing the meal, even if we didn’t have goose or Christmas pudding or bread sauce or brandy sauce or any of the usual things.

No, it was difficult because we had been seeing each other for only a couple of months and I had no idea what the hell to buy for him and, in the end, on my wonderful Christmas Eve shopping trip, I bought lots of little things, some very cheap – but, in the end, it was OK and I think he liked them.

The last shop I went to was a toy shop.  I was looking for something particular.  We have become big fans of Shaun the Sheep, an animated figure appearing in stories and by Aardman, the people who bought you Wallace and Gromit.  Below is Sheepless Nights which is the funniest bit I have ever seen.  Unfortunately, it keeps being removed from YouTube and so may not work for long.  Enjoy.

And so, there I am, passing this shop that I know but have never been in and I pop in to see if they have something like Shaun.  I explain that I want a sheep.  She takes me to the rack with the soft-toy sheep.  she picks one up. I just burst out laughing.  I explain that it can’t possibly be a sheep as it looks like a gorilla.  She laughs too because it is true but assures me it is a sheep.  However, since I want something that looks more like Shaun, a gorilla simply won’t do, even if it is supposed to be a sheep.

We (I) settle on one that, although similar to Shaun, does not have the black face or legs.

The other thing he had said he liked was penguins since they were new things on FarmVille, just before Christmas and so, previously, I had bought a small penguin.

And now, on the edge of the wide arm of the new sofa, they sit staring out.  I don’t know if he really likes them or if he puts them there because I bought them or because of how he feels about me or some combination of all of those things – but it makes me feel good anyway.  And I smile even now, as I think about it.

Somewhere between three and four

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I said we are three but that’s not quite correct.

I get up five minutes earlier than ‘normal’ since the walk back is five minutes.  It is certainly easier than the 20 minutes or so that it was before.

In my bathroom I notice the things that have been ‘left’. Except I am sure they have not been left by accident nor forgetfulness but by design.  There is the cologne, the body lotion, the special stuff for his hair.  These are there for ‘next time’.  All I have is a toothbrush in his.

I have keys but only until Thursday as he needs to give them to the cleaner.  I wonder how long that will continue?  How long before that becomes a ‘pain’ and needs to be sorted?  But I shall hold my tongue.  It will be his decision and it’s not for me to ask.

We watched a DVD on his computer last night, in the lounge as the television will be going in the bedroom.  He’s there, lying on the sofa, in his pyjamas, his feet bare, his sexy ‘frodo-type’ feet.  As I take my cup to the kitchen, I touch them.  It’s difficult not to touch him – any part of him.

So we watch Mina on DVD.  Old stuff from the 70s.  Good stuff, for certain.  But then I had to go to bed and he came too.  He knows that it’s difficult for me and I can’t stay up as late as him, getting up a couple of hours earlier then him, as I have to.

And then when I got home is when I noticed the things in the bathroom and thought of the ‘Dino-licking’ clothes and the pyjama bottoms in the bedroom and remembered the conversation from last night when he asked what he had at mine.  I replied the clothes that I have just mentioned and he said that he would need to bring over a T-shirt next time.  And I didn’t really realise the significance of it but that, together with the other things which are not left by accident, means that we are not 3 but rather three and a half, I guess.

The ugly building

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There’s not really enough time to smoke a whole cigarette.  That’s nice, really.

As I walk back, I look at the buildings since this is a ‘new’ walk, even if I have done it several times before.  There is the house (small block of flats) which is amazingly ugly, right on the corner.  Someone on the second floor has put in new shutters.  They are bright green against the incredibly ugly grey/brown of the building itself.  These shutters are half closed or fully closed depending on the window.  Further on, beyond the traffic lights, Via Modena stretches on, beyond GS (which have now all been officially changed to Carrefour anyway, just this last week) with, from the corner of Via Dei Mille, some beautiful buildings.  And yet, this ugly, three-storey building stands there like it wants to prove a point.  What point though?  And what made someone decide that this concrete square blob could, in any way, ever look nice?

I turn the corner and continue to walk back.  I didn’t sleep well.  Maybe it was the deafening sound of the complete silence in the flat.  I had strained to hear the sound of anything.  Of the trams that are less than a cigarette-smoke away, of the buses, the cars, even birds (this morning).  There was nothing, except, maybe, occasionally, the sound of a car……..maybe.

And it was dark.  I mean pitch black.  No light.  And, whereas I used to like that a lot, I found that I couldn’t see him and I wanted to.

The new duvet was incredibly light and very warm.  But, when he got up this morning, to go to work, it all felt so cold.  It was so weird.  I found myself, all night having to have some part or all of my body outside the duvet but this morning, as soon as he got out, snuggling under it to keep warm.

And, although I should have gone back to sleep, I found I could not and so, about half an hour after he left, I got up anyway.

I stayed a little bit, playing on the computer and had three cigarettes.  Again, I noticed that the flat seemed to fill with smoke so easily and this is not a good sign.  Again, I opened all the windows and let the air flow through to disperse the smoke and I hope it’s OK for when he goes home tonight.

For tonight he will go home.  And put more things tidy, etc.  And go to bed very late, I think.  And so we shall sleep apart, I expect.

And, so, as I walked home this morning, being grateful that we were closer, at least, it was tinged with a little sadness.  For now we are three again and I quite liked being four.

I just CAN’T do this…..

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Please put this on your status if you or someone you know is gay. My wish for 2010 is that people will understand that being gay is not a disease or a choice – people who are gay are not looking for a cure but for ACCEPTANCE and EQUAL RIGHTS. Will you make this your status for at least one hour?

I absolutely HATE chain letters, chain emails, etc.  And, for me, this is the same thing.  It was a post appearing as one of my Facebook ‘Friends’ status.

Now, what to do?  The thing is that nearly everyone at least knows someone who is gay.  Therefore, they should put it on as their status.  If they don’t, then what does that say about the person?

But, really, what difference will it make?  And, really, this is not a perfect world and there are more things to worry about than whether I have exactly the same rights as everyone else.  Yes, I know I should have and yes, it would be nice to be in a perfect world where I am recognised as equal to everyone else – but this is not a perfect world and I really don’t want to put it on my status for all my FB ‘Friends’ to feel at all guilty about not having put it on their status – lest they should offend me.

And, maybe, that’s what I find annoying?  It wouldn’t offend me if they didn’t but perhaps I would look and be somewhat ‘upset’ that they didn’t?  But, why should they?  And why should I put them in that position in the first place?

And, although I want equal rights (because, well, why not?), I’m certainly not looking to force people to accepting me.  It’s a free world.  As long as they don’t do me any harm, if they don’t want to accept me then that’s their right.  And, anyway, forced acceptance is really no acceptance at all!  Education is the key (or bad education is the opposite – one or the other – or both).  I don’t accept bigoted people or racist people and the thought that I should be made to accept them fills me with horror.  And, even if they ‘made me’ accept them – I wouldn’t really….at least, not in my head.  And, if that’s the case, then where is the acceptance?

And so I won’t put it up.  Unfortunately it may turn into one of those viral things like the ‘looking up your name in the urban dictionary online’ – which, amusing though it may be, became a little annoying after seeing it for the fifth time within a few hours.

I worry though that my FB ‘Friend’ won’t understand why I haven’t put it up?  But there’s not a lot I can do about that unless I try to explain – but no explanation really explains it.

The honeymoon is over

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Well, nearly.

I think he was a bit pissed off that I went to A’s place last night.  But, then, if he won’t give me some sort of plan, what does he expect?  I mean, I wait at home and don’t know – is he going to the new flat tonight or not?  If he goes to the flat then he won’t be at my house until after 10.

And so, last night, when he arrived about 11.30 he said that he wasn’t going to go to the new flat originally but because I was on my way to A’s he decided he would go.  If he had told me, before, like the day before, that he probably wouldn’t go then I wouldn’t have accepted to go to A’s place.  And, even if he had called me a few hours before I could have got out of it, having been to the dentist yesterday.

But, maybe it’s good that I’m not always available.  But, maybe I should tell him the whole story so that he knows to be a bit more planned with me.

So, he arrived last night and came straight to bed.  He said that, on Saturday, he would go and buy a piumino (duvet to us).  They only buy thin ones here since there are only a few months of real cold.  He added that once he had that then next week he can spend a couple of nights at his place.  He probably means ‘we’ but I shall check in any event.  I try not to be too invasive.

However, it’s interesting that he suggests only a ‘couple of’.  Again, last night, he wanted Dino to be lying on the floor at his side of the bed and was really happy when he was.  And we cuddled for a bit and I thought – ‘OK so as from Saturday night he doesn’t live here any more’ – but it’s not like I didn’t know it was coming and, in some strange way, he never really ‘lived’ at my place – even if he stayed every night.

And, although it seems like we have been in this situation for ever, it’s only been a very short time.  Next week it will have been 4 months since we first met.

A asked me last night if we had really ‘talked’.  I said we had.  He asked if F had told me all my faults.  I laughed and said I didn’t have any.  Later as we were curled up and about to go to sleep, I told F.  He said ‘Do you want the list?’.  It was a joke.  I replied that I was surprised there was anything but, yes, give me the list.  He refused saying that this was what being together was about and that there were always things as there would be for me, about him, but that we just live with them.

He said we would definitely go out for a meal on Saturday.  The other night we looked at the flights to the UK to go to D’s wedding in July.

The honeymoon is over and now starts the long haul to a place that is, as yet, is undefined, uncertain – a place that is shrouded with the mist of the future – there but without form or substance.

I wonder if what we both want is the same.  Yet he said, before we met that, we all want the same thing.  I hope that’s true.

I have experience

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Of course, it’s just a feeling.  But, you know, given the experiences I have, I think it’s not irrational.

I feel I’m about to be well and truly screwed over.

And, if so, then that will be that – finito.

And, that’s not what I wanted.

Add to that the saga over something else and I’ve really had enough.  I mean, don’t say ‘You can have this’ and then, later, when the job’s almost completed say ‘But I may want it back and if I want it back then you can bring it back’.  I just lost interest at that point which is why I have half.  Unfortunately, it’s not going to go away and now I want what I do have (which is only part) out of my house.  But that means that I shall be doing it on Sunday, by myself again.

You may have wondered why I have the Tag and section – Friends and Inimies.  Because Friends can be as much Inimies at times, seeming to want to fuck you up.

But, then, these things are only to be expected.  I have experience.

Not a brilliant time but there are things I can do

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The day before I was angry.

Yesterday, I had a bit of a shock.  It meant that I was a bit ‘out of it’ whilst I sorted my head out.  Luckily, F came home early (well, earlier than I expected) and we watched Mamma Mia.  I haven’t told him about any of this.  Perhaps I should but, well, he’s got enough on his plate right now.

And, anyway, I needed the time to ‘sort it out in my head’.

And, this morning came the answer.  Well, I hope it’s the answer.

And, so, it’s time to get off my ass and do the things that I should have done before.  And get myself sorted and move forward and stop relying on others to do what they say they will do and just do the things that I can control and have influence over.

I should feel better now but I don’t.

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I’m a bit pissed off.

Well, actually, I’m really bloody angry.

I can’t put my finger on why.  Or with what or whom.  It just seems to be everything and everyone.

Last night, as I was leaving work I found out that I had cocked up and that what I thought was happening (according to my plan) was not happening because the plan was never transposed to the official plan and so we’re stuck with the official plan and can’t do my plan and so we will be late and the customer will go ape-shit.

Which made me late.  And I had promised Best Mate that we would speak at 6.30.  And I had only just arrived at 6.30 because the traffic was a pain and the lights were all against me and people were driving like Italians and also slowly.  And that continued into the supermarket where I had to go to get some stuff and the queue was horrendous and full of little old ladies and the little old lady in front of the woman in front of me couldn’t get the weird trolley through because the lady before her had just abandoned her trolley at the entrance to the till and the little old lady would have had to lift it up which, quite clearly, she couldn’t do but the woman in front of me was in the way and so I couldn’t help and then the woman in front of me turned slightly and I could see she was reading a book.  Reading a bloody book!  In the queue!  And that’s why she didn’t help.  And then it was her turn but she didn’t put her stuff on the belt for ages ‘cos she, too, was blocked by the trolley that the lady before the little old lady had abandoned and she ummed and ahhed about how to get her trolley through before abandoning it and I just thought how bleeding inconsiderate and stupid some people are.

And then I got home and realise I had forgotten camomile tea for F and that just annoyed me.  We have enough for now but that’s not the point.  And then I found that my useless bloody cleaner had not done all the ironing like I had said and had ignored my text about just doing the bathroom and the kitchen and doing the ironing and had not ironed sheets which meant I had to iron them but I couldn’t ‘cos I was Skyping Best Mate and Best Mate was more important than ironing sheets but by the time we had finished some 3 hours plus later it was too late to iron them and then change the bed.

And so now I do it tonight.  And then F arrived home (he had been to the new flat to paint the final coat on the bed) and it was late and I was tired but we didn’t go to bed straight away and so I am more tired than last night now, as I write this.

And so I’m pissed off but, actually, a little angry.  And if, today, one more person, whilst I’m talking to them answers the bloody phone and then spends ten minutes having an ‘important’ conversation which, in reality is not important and, certainly, no more important than the conversation that I’m having with them – I will, most definitely, KILL THEM!

There!  I should feel better now but I don’t.