It’s no good. I’ve tried everything, short of half a bottle of wine or something.
I get up and get myself a glass of milk, my cigarettes and my book, the one I started months and months ago (before summer?) but, which, over the last few months has remained untouched, unopened, unread and unloved.
I know I shall regret this in the morning but, although tired and although it seems I am almost at the point of sleep, the final hurdle seems insurmountable.
I went to bed later than I had hoped, too. I even had a wank which used to work wonders but now, not only was it difficult but it made no difference. Bugger.
The last time I looked at the clock, which displays the time on the ceiling in laser red, it was about 12.45. I know it’s not because of him but part of me blames him anyway. After all, it was his decision. And it is because of him.
But, I knew it was coming, even as I got home; even before we spoke or chatted or texted or anything.
Even if his new flat has no electricity and, so, he cannot go there.
It was (and still is) very cold. Although not freezing in Milan proper, it is close. The flat was OK but not so warm when I arrived home, the cleaner ironing and then pointing out the broken handle on the moka and blaming it on Dino. Another broken thing. So bloody clumsy.
He texted or phoned to say he was leaving work and going home. I knew he would not be venturing out last night again. Not in this cold. I wanted to say ‘Come here’, as I am on his way home but I knew he would not so I said nothing. We don’t want to feel needy, do we?
He got home and phoned me. He said that he was so cold, the heating not having been on in the flat and me not having sorted out his timer thing over the weekend. We chatted through Facebook for a while. He called me again. He said he wouldn’t come over, if I didn’t mind.
Of course I minded even if I knew it was coming or, rather, had the nagging doubt that he wouldn’t come. I wanted to say ‘but it’s OK for me to suffer the cold before 6 in the morning when I come to your place!’ but, of course, I didn’t. And, anyway, it is my choice. He said I could come to him but I said that I had the dogs and I hadn’t spent enough time with them over the weekend and, so, I should stay. He knew that I would stay and said he understood.
And I wonder, just for a moment, if he has the same thoughts as me? Well, the same but different, if you see what I mean.
We chatted more on Facebook. I took the dogs out. God it was cold. I hurried through the streets, knowing that, at least, the flat would feel warmer on my return.
It didn’t. Or, rather, not warm enough.
I went back to Facebook to see some messages from him. There was a turkey to take on Farmville and he had posted a video. The video said ‘For You’. I saw what it was. I chatted back ‘For me?’. He chatted ‘Did you like it?’. I ignored that. ‘From you?’, I chatted. ‘Si, Mi (sic) and Diana’. The video is below.
[April 2015: Unfortunately the video doesn’t work any more and, as I didn’t use to put the name of the song, I don’t remember what it was. Sorry. Video now removed as it doesn’t work.]
As I watched it, my feelings of slight anger dissolved. But the emotions were mixed. He wasn’t here and that was the point. And I wasn’t sure it was really for me; I mean, not in the words although the song maybe. I had asked before if something was for me, some weeks ago. He said no but he would tell me if it was. He had told me this was. He doesn’t use words so much. But the sentiments, if for me and if he understood the words well enough, were strong. As I watched, I felt myself welling up inside. I choked back a sob and wiped the few tears from my eyes. I hoped it was true but, if it was true, where the fucking hell was he? I loved him more and hated him all at the same time. It’s not as if we were far apart but it felt like the other side of the world. I briefly contemplated going over to his place. I wanted him so badly, wanted to hold him and kiss him. But I wasn’t going to go, I just wanted to.
I chatted. ‘It made me cry’.
‘Why?’, he asked. It made me think that, perhaps, it wasn’t the words he was trying to tell me. You, surely, wouldn’t be asking why if they were?
‘Just cos’, I replied.
‘cos ?’, he queried.
‘It’s difficult…….I don’t know how to say……I don’t know’, I replied. Afterwards, as I was in bed, I thought that it wasn’t the sentiment he was querying but the word ‘cos’. Maybe he doesn’t know it’s slang for because.
‘I will phone you now’ he says. I think he was worried. I think he didn’t understand and was frightened it was something else (that I don’t understand). We are open to this mis-communication. We have a different mother tongue, different culture, etc.
I’m not crying by the time he phones. I am a bloke. Blokes don’t cry. Perhaps I shouldn’t have told him. We talk about An, the friend of his in London and the problems with her husband and with him (her husband) having had an affair and he told me how he had said to her that he had had the affair because of the problems and the problem was that they hadn’t talked about the problems and that she should make sure they talked about the problems and he said that talking about the problems was better, wasn’t it? …he asked me, finally. And I agreed and then added that we didn’t talk and he replied that we didn’t have any problems and I thought that we do but that we didn’t talk about them anyway even if they were important and then he mentioned something that is and is not important and I said that I understood that and didn’t have a problem with it and I thought, additionally, since that was not the “problems” I was talking about although I didn’t then say what the problems were but they aren’t problems for him and, with the exception of him not coming down to see me and be with me, the other problems weren’t really problems, at least, not yet but would become problems, I was sure, but in the meantime how could I possibly tell him something about the problems that weren’t but would be.
And, anyway, I’ve already told him but perhaps he’s forgotten. And I couldn’t mention the problem of tonight because I didn’t want to make him feel guilty and he would, I am sure (well, almost sure), have got re-dressed and come to me and you have no idea how guilty I would feel about that! Having done that once to him, never again. It made me feel so bad that he was doing something he really didn’t want to that the pleasure in him doing it was so lost that I thought at the time – Remember this, this moment and how bad you feel and make sure he doesn’t do something just for you when he really doesn’t want to do it, again! Ever!
And so I didn’t say anything, of course. And then he said he was going to bed. So he was tired too. This is a big week for him and I must try and remember that it’s not all about me. Even if this blog IS all about me. This is the place and should be the only place that really is about me, with others being only bit players, even if some of them feature often.
And, so, he went to bed. And, within a few moments so did I. But it was cold in the bed and I missed him putting his arm round me and I still had all those mixed up and screwed up emotions; loving him and aching for him and hating him (but not really) and understanding but thinking that he didn’t really understand me or my needs or just how much I love him.
And I thought of V. But not in that way. V used to say that he thought that he loved me too much. I thought that it was a stupid thing to say. I mean, how can someone say ‘I love you too much’ – how can love be too much? But maybe there’s something in this? Maybe he had a point? Maybe it’s just ‘cos I didn’t understand?
And, I decided that, if he really did feel this way, I should have been more sympathetic and understanding. But I didn’t know. How could I? But this, this thing, this feeling or feelings. Was this what he meant? And, if so, then I have sympathy or empathy or something like that. And I wondered why I never felt this about V. Or, at least, I don’t remember feeling like this about V. Or is this because I’m not getting everything I want? But I never had everything I wanted with V either. But I think you can never get that. Not everything.
And that’s why I couldn’t sleep as well. In spite of everything I tried to do. And the thoughts and the questions remain, this morning. What is really meant by it all? He’s fucking up my mind. And, is this what I did to V? For 20 years? And, so, even if it’s not true, if it wasn’t true, I feel somewhat sorry for him as this is shit.