Daily Archives: 22 May, 2010

Gotta be more positive!

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I guess that those of you that read my blog will know that I am full of doubt; always worried about something; always concerned if I have done/am doing the right thing.

Except that, I guess, to my friends and colleagues (Pietro?) I probably appear to be confident and self-assured – always seeming to be doing the right thing.

Well, the fact that, should you scratch the surface, I have all this uncertainty is not entirely true. There’s the times when, both externally and internally, I feel good – confident, strong, sure. These times are with F.  It doesn’t seem to matter what shit I think I’m going through – within moments of being with him; being in his presence, the ‘problems’ just seem to disappear. It’s as if when he is there, everything that concerns me just falls away from me.

Also I received a rather good email today. And I chatted with my first, potential, student (well, the first this time round) and we’re meeting next week.

Still, I wonder if it’s wrong that, when he’s around, worries and problems don’t seem to have importance? At least, this week I have been doing some things to fix some of them and this continued today, so that’s more positive anyway.

Greetings; Strange thoughts; For me

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I know that he did it for me. I understand that and I wish I could explain to him that I understand that and how much I appreciate it.

I had picked him up from the airport. His plane had been late. I took the babies, just as he wanted. He was very happy about that, I knew. I watched, from the corner of my eye, the people around, smiling at the excitement shown by Dino, Rufus and F at seeing each other again. Dino had already had plenty of attention from people as I sat outside the terminal building, having a cigarette. For Dino all the people – too many people; the noise of the aircraft; the sound of the bags being wheeled around – all this was exiting and interesting. But seeing F was his biggest excitement. And he wasn’t sick in the car – well not until I was parking the car when we got back, anyway!

I had dropped F off at his flat. He would unpack and come round. He was very hungry. I suggested I got a pizza. He decided we should go there to eat. I waited outside the block of flats. But, he had changed his mind. It was too late, he said, which was true, really.

In the lift on the way back to my flat, we hugged and kissed. This was my time or, rather, our time for proper greetings. He felt good; he smelt good. I had missed him but also he had missed me, even if he didn’t say it. We watched the new video he had bought.

He talked about going for a session on the sunbed. I was surprised – but he’s quite vain, really – always more than I would have expected; than I do expect. He will shave his chest again, for the summer. I wish he wouldn’t but he will and, as he says, it will grow again.

I am so happy that he is back. I feel so comfortable with him. And then, at one point, a rather strange thing happened or, rather, a rather strange thing crossed my mind. Just for a fleeting moment. “What if I fall out of love with him?. Then he would just be a man.” This happened as he walked to the bathroom. I don’t know why I thought this. I mentally shook my head as if to dislodge this unwelcome thought. It didn’t come back but it made me feel strange.

And later he made me feel so good and I know that he did it for me. He doesn’t say that he loves me but I know that he does.

The new things

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[This is from a week or two ago] – They are very shiny – being new. He is so proud of them. I had wondered how long it would take and now, finally, they are here.

As is the soft-toy rabbit.

They are, of course, for the dogs. There are three shiny, new bowls. 2 for water and one for food. And the toy is similar to the sheep I bought a few weeks ago. Dino loves it and it makes a noise when you squeeze it so he loves it more.

We go out to a party as planned. We come back to my flat to collect the dogs – and we get some food too, obviously.

We take the dogs out and go back to his place. “Will they like the new bowls?”, he has asked me. I assure him that, even if they say nothing, I’m certain they will love them.

He fills the bowls with water. Whilst he is filling the third with food, Dino finds the rabbit and starts playing with it. He is happy (that’s F and Dino).

He is so proud of the things he has bought.

I may not have a key to the place but I think that Rufus and Dino’s positions in his home are secure.

Dentists, Doctors, Vets – hmmph! And more information about the dogs than you probably needed to know!

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I wonder if it is because I am older and, therefore, more cynical? Or is it because I have much more experience? Or is it because they are crap now? Or have they always been crap and I’m just finding out?

I know, before you tell me. That’s an unfair thing to say. After all, they’re only human too! Nobody can be perfect. And, it’s not really that I blame them, they are, after all, “general purpose” and something/someone like that can never be really perfect or know everything, can they?

Still, I find it annoying when they don’t listen. I’ve had my own problems; done my own research. I’m no expert either but it’s all kinda logical.

I had a lot of problems with my teeth. Sure, I could have cleaned them better in the past but the cleaning was not really the problem. No, the problem was that I ground my teeth…..a lot. And the grinding and clenching was for about 20 years. The pressure that caused meant that my teeth broke and meant that the ‘bite’ was not good and meant more pressure which led to severe gingivitis.

So, Dino has always had a problem with his teeth. When he was a puppy, his bottom set of milk teeth, especially the canines, went inside the top set of teeth, which is, of course, all wrong. When his second set came they were better but still not perfect.

As a result, on one side, he has what looks like severe gingivitis. But, really it’s just where one of the canines goes up into his gum, having spread the two teeth above, apart. It doesn’t seem to hurt him, he has no problem with grip or eating. I check it from time to time to make sure it’s not getting worse, of course. Eventually, probably, he will have to lose a couple of teeth but right now it’s fine.

The vet, looking at his teeth decided, quite wrongly, that the teeth needed cleaning. So he was telling me about this special cream for gingivitis and how I can clean them with a toothbrush and had a look again and then said ‘they’re not so bad, though’. Doh! Really? During the conversation, he ignored all my comments about why the teeth were like this and, anyway, one can see that the bottom canine is the wrong alignment and is ‘hitting’ the gum, thereby forcing it back!

And then there was Rufus. Rufus is over 14 now. He’s like an old gentleman. And, as with humans, as one gets older, lumps and bumps and warts and other things appear on your skin. This is normal. Of course, these days, they’re called “tumours” (and when, exactly did that happen?). It could be benign. Rufus has many of these “tumours”, which I told him (and then couldn’t find any, of course).

The problem with this lump is that it got damaged and now Dino, licker extraordinaire, will not leave it alone – which is just making it look so much worse. Anyway, he’s taken some samples for testing and I have to apply a cream, twice a day, for a week. Then we go back next week to see how it is.

He also asked me about the food I feed Rufus. I had to explain about the fact that I have to be careful these days. Rufus’ stomach doesn’t take so well to all food. We have a mix of Pedigree Chum with some cheap stuff from Carrefour (all dried). The Pedigree Chum binds him too much and he finds it difficult to go to the toilet – the cheap stuff loosens it all so that it’s more or less fine. He realised that I knew what I was doing. He did suggest something else but I explained that I had to be careful changing the food for Rufus – otherwise he got the runs. He understood. But, if I hadn’t been so obviously knowledgeable about my dogs dietary needs I know he would have been telling me to go for something else (and, obviously, something much more expensive!).

At the end of all this, I am a responsible dog owner and I know my dogs. And I know what they need. And, sometimes, I know, better than the vet, what is ‘wrong’ and if it’s something to worry about or not. The tumour thing I asked about only because, unless I make it better, Dino will continue to lick it and continue to make it seem bad, which it is not.

Oh yes, and he also told me that Rufus had some arthritis (which I know and which is obvious) and that his liver was a bit larger than normal. Yes he is drinking more; yes, I know that it’s going to happen but it’s nowhere near as bad as the last year with Ben – so everything is OK right now. Let’s face it, Rufus is very old and will die sooner or later. As it is he is doing really well and, whilst he’s not in pain and still has a good quality of life then it’s OK.

As the vet (the one in the UK a few years ago) said to me about Ben – I will know when the time has come!